Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Hi, everybody. Welcome back. It's once again me, your favorite deputy of movie. Deputy.com. Now, you're probably thinking, oh, great, she's pulling another disappearing act. Like, I had a bunch of stuff going on about a year or so ago, and I didn't have any programs up for believe it or not, it was right out of year. And no, this isn't one of those situations. And I'll be blunt, I always promised that I was just going to be raw and real with you guys. And don't get me wrong, I absolutely love Movie Deputy. Movie Deputy is my single greatest passion, above and beyond my mean, that's not an understatement, to say in the least.
[00:00:45] But like I said, I always promised I was going to be real with you, and I figured, why not just go ahead? And I figured, okay, let's just work some of this into a program. Let's just work around this. Let's start getting the episodes back up.
[00:01:01] And I'm like, I don't know if I can. I mean, I can, but I'm struggling, and there's going to be people out there and you know what? I'm going to lose listeners for this, and so be it if you don't like what I'm saying, I'm not forcing you to listen. But I struggle. I am neurodivergent. I am on the spectrum. And some things in life get overwhelming because on top of all of that, suffering from crippling, anxiety, depression, and PTSD, I literally struggle to get out of bed some days.
[00:01:40] It takes everything out of me just to function.
[00:01:45] Now, a lot of people who are on the spectrum or who deal with physical issues use the terminology of using spoons. I don't necessarily use that technology, not that there's any or not technology terminology, and there's nothing wrong with it if you choose to use that. But just for me, I didn't grow up using that. And it just feels like such a transition to go from not using it to using it, and it almost feels forced. And that's not how I ever want to feel as I come across and I sit here and I'm doing Deputy, and okay, I'm a critic, so I know I'm going to get hate on some of this stuff, but sometimes some of the messages are just so vile. And I learn, mind you, I get probably way more I don't know the exact numbers, but I get way more positive than negative. But still, sometimes that negative just knocks me out down for a few days. And I've been dealing with a lot of physical stuff lately, too. I have quite a few physical disabilities. If you've ever listened to the show of why I created Movie Deputy, my very first Movie Deputy podcast on this channel, I go into a little bit of an accident that I was in ten years ago and how that kind of in an indirect way led to me creating Deputy. But there are so many more issues that I am dealing with. I am literally and physically disabled. When we built our home in 2019, you're probably thinking, oh great, another elitist. They built their house. No, it's like we have put ourselves into crippling debt over building this house. We maybe overextended ourselves a little bit, but it didn't matter if we were looking at apartments or houses to rent something, they weren't suitable for somebody like me who needs help with mobility stuff. And so when we build this house, the entire house is handicapped accessible. Our showers, our tubs, all the doorways, everything in here is handicap accessible.
[00:04:01] You hear me on the radio or you're on your phones or your tablets, your computers and you're listening to this. And yes, I'm happy and chipper and I do eat, sleep and breathe movies and I promise to always be real with you. And that means being real about this. Today, today is one of those days that I'm like, I need to get back in there and work on Deputy in there, meaning my office, I have an office recording room thing that I use to do all of this and everything else that goes on behind the scenes with Deputy. And then there was some issues with my podcast hosting platform that I was dealing with for a few weeks that I was really stressing over. And if you know anything about people who deal with chronic health conditions, stress is not their friend. Not even a little bit. And you're like, oh, it's all in your head, get over it. No, it's not as simple as that. It really isn't. Like today, I got up today and I literally had to makeshift a sling. I don't have a sling. And I had to makeshift a sling because just the weight of my right arm was putting so much pain. I was causing so much pain in my shoulder, but I was in tears before I even got out of bed.
[00:05:18] Now, I know that there's some of you out there that can relate with this and there's going to be other people out there that are just going to be, oh, and the thing is, I don't want sympathy. I really don't. I live my life to the best that I can do and I try to do that day in and day out and you know what? I struggle. And you'll never hear that in my reviews. You won't.
[00:05:40] But there are just some days that no matter how much I love what I do, it is just so hard to do it. Now, mind you, if I did not have my support system that I have, that probably sounds amazing. But my support system is my husband, my son and my sister. We are not blood sisters, but we have been friends well over 20 years. And so as far as life is concerned, she is my sister. It's like we are truly soul sisters in just about every way imaginable. So she's a very loyalist.
[00:06:18] She's the first to praise and critique me on my programs. And I just want to say I love you. And she knows who she is with this. And if you need those words, use them. I love you.
[00:06:32] Some people throw that around like it's willy nilly. But to understand my life and understand how hard it is to say those words genuinely, you'd understand how much that means. Now there's a whole side to my life that I'm not going to probably ever share on here because it has nothing to do with Movie Deputy, has nothing to do with anything that I do. It's a big part of my life, but it has nothing to do with this.
[00:07:03] But it just makes it even harder to get over these bumps. And this is another one of those bumps. And I'm sitting here tonight, and you can probably tell I'm sitting here literally in tears talking to you about this. And I'm thinking, okay, I need to get these movies up. I was at theater over the weekend and I've seen some of the new movies and I'm getting ready to bring the reviews to you for Killers of the Flower, Moon and Freddy's Movie and just some of the After Death movie. Those are the ones that I saw this weekend.
[00:07:44] I'm going to be bringing you those reviews very soon, I promise. And I didn't forget. I know I've still got a couple of the Saw movies to do in those series.
[00:07:52] I hit a brick wall and I'm not going to make excuses for it. And then when everything was going on with my podcast, hosting platforms and just some other things that were going on in life, and I'm just like, okay. And you're probably saying, oh, okay, well, you're just not going to be that reliable. I'm not going to listen to you. Guess what? If you want to do so, be my guest. But if you want somebody who is always going to be real with you about life, about movies, about just anything that I talk about on this channel, this is as real as it gets. Like I said, I've always promised you I'd be real with you. So I'm just like, I'm not going to make excuses. I'm not going to just fill it in with fluff and go, hi everybody, and just try to sound happy because I'm not.
[00:08:50] As much as I love Movie Deputy, everything about with what I do, sometimes mentally, it's just hard.
[00:08:59] Like I said, if you don't understand, that's fine. If you want to criticize me for that, guess what, that's fine.
[00:09:08] But I'm never going to try to pretend to be anything or anybody else because I'm just me.
[00:09:18] I am so passionate about what I do. And then I just beat myself up when I hit these roadblocks and then I get them. Of course, the feedback. Like I said, I'm a critic. It's like I'm not going to be doing what I'm doing and not expect the negative. But when on this show right here, it's like, do I really want to put this out there? And I'm like, yes, I do, because I know what I'm going to hear about this.
[00:09:46] But I also know that there are those out there. Maybe it's you. Maybe you can relate with these feelings. Maybe you can go out there in everyday life and you can put on a happy face and you can live your life and you could do what you're responsible to do and you can take care of your responsibilities and your home and your family and all of that. But behind closed doors, you sit back and cry because you're just not strong enough. It feels like you're not strong enough.
[00:10:17] And I'm not going to sit there and say, you know what? Guess what, you are. Because I feel it too.
[00:10:24] I feel that struggle of, am I enough? Am I ever going to be enough? Now, don't get me wrong.
[00:10:34] My family, my husband, my son and my sister, they make sure and tell me all the time that I'm enough. My biggest weakness is calling myself worthless.
[00:10:47] And they see and hear the pain when I say that it doesn't matter how good I am at something or how amazing I do something, I have a really hard time seeing value in myself.
[00:11:04] Is that a me thing? Absolutely.
[00:11:07] But guess what? I'm not alone. And baby, you're just the person out there that needs to hear this today. I don't know, but I want you to know why I hit these walls and why I just have to take a step back for a second and breathe.
[00:11:27] Sometimes even taking a breath seems hard.
[00:11:31] Now, mind you, I'm not giving up. I'm not in any sort of danger or anything like that. If you are on the brink of doing something and if you are at risk of hurting yourself, please pick up the phone. And I think the new suicide hotline number is nine eight eight. I keep seeing it like at the end of a bunch of movies.
[00:11:55] I'm not there myself. I've been there a couple of times in my life, but that was many years ago, back when I was a teenager. But I know those feelings.
[00:12:05] I understand those feelings more than I wish I did. And what a lot of people don't realize about me and the stuff that I don't share a whole lot with people is that I'm also a writer. I've been writing long before I started movie. Deputy.
[00:12:24] Okay, I'm 49 years old. I hint to my age a lot, but I've never actually said the number before. Yes, I am 49 years old and I have been writing since I was a preteen.
[00:12:39] And I have so many things that I've written and a lot of them have come across as poetry and when I hit these walls, there's one of my poems that I go back to and that I read, and I'm going to share that with you today.
[00:12:54] And you may think, okay, what does poetry have anything to do with movies? Nothing.
[00:12:59] Absolutely nothing. But it tells you about me, and it tells you about mental health, and it tells you about something that is so hard for people to understand. You can live it and still not understand it. Hell, I don't even understand it some days. There are days when I just don't want to even get up, where I just want to stay in bed all day, but I know I can't do that. There's days I can get up and go through the motions and take care of everything that needs to be taken care of. But inside I'm breaking. Inside I'm just falling apart. And I don't want to lean on even the people that are my rocks because this has more to do with my upbringing. But it's like you have to learn to stand on your own because basically, if you burden your friends, soon you won't have any. And the thing is, I know these three ones that I have close to me. My husband's, son, and my sister. I'm going to have them no matter what. It took me twice to get it right with marriage, but the second time, I really got it right. No marriage is perfect.
[00:14:11] Not even close. But you know what is perfect? Perfect is when you choose to have somebody and they choose you as well. And you keep choosing each other day after day, and you work through it, and you don't attack each other personally, and you laugh even through the chaos.
[00:14:34] Everybody can relate with that. There's chaos in every relationship.
[00:14:39] But at the end of the day, you have to decide if you want to choose that person. And you know what? I choose my people every day, over and over and over again.
[00:14:52] I love them more than I could ever explain.
[00:14:57] And I love my kitties. I'm a crazy cat lady. I'm a cat mom. I've got six kitty cats. We were down to five temporarily. We are back up to six thanks to the kitten distribution network. Choosing my husband of when he was away at work a few weeks ago.
[00:15:16] It's an adventure, and it's a ride I'm not going to get off of anytime soon. But I want to help you understand me.
[00:15:26] Why? You know what? Maybe it doesn't even matter. I don't know.
[00:15:30] But I want you to know how passionate I am about Movie Deputy. Like I said, other than the people closest to me, I am the most passionate about Movie Deputy. But at the same time, there is a fear involved, a fear of just.
[00:15:49] There's so much to that. It's not just the fear of failure. It's like that I can get past, but it's just this fear of judgment, the fear of like I said, it doesn't matter if there's 100 positive comments, one of those vile, horrible comments that come through.
[00:16:17] I'll read those words and I wish I could help it, but those are the ones that get stuck in my head. Those are the ones that just they make it hard and that builds up and it builds up and it builds up and it builds up and it builds up until I break. And yes, I do break.
[00:16:36] Everybody does. If you're honest with yourself, nobody is strong all the time. Nobody can be. Nobody should be.
[00:16:45] I just hope you have somebody.
[00:16:48] You're probably wondering about this poem, I think, that I said I was going to share with you, and I think the title has always been fitting. It's like I wrote this over 30 years ago, but the title is called Why.
[00:17:03] Sounds simple, no?
[00:17:07] Why bother flying if all you do is fall?
[00:17:11] Why bother reaching? You'll never be so tall.
[00:17:16] Why bother dreaming? They rarely do come true.
[00:17:20] Why bother loving? It's only pain for you.
[00:17:25] Why bother living?
[00:17:27] It's tested, tried, and true.
[00:17:31] I'll tell you why it's worth it it's because of the rare and few the ones who stand beside you when there's nothing left in you.
[00:17:45] It's when the times are darkest that true friends do appear.
[00:17:52] It tries to overwhelm you even though your friends are near it's getting through the hard times that seems so long and rough it's being able to live on when they say you can't get up it's trying hard to be yourself.
[00:18:17] When you forget just who you are, it's trying hard to see the light when the darkness has no stars.
[00:18:29] The strength that lies within us it's not just ours alone.
[00:18:36] It's the ones that truly love us, that get us down the road.
[00:18:47] 30 over 30 years later. And that still gets to me.
[00:18:51] I guess that's a testament to it.
[00:18:56] If you want to find the text version of this and other works that I've done, I have a page on Facebook called Soul Conveyance and and it's where you can find not just why, but many of my other works. And mind you, some of them are dark. I like to give people that the heads up. I am what people call an emotional writer. And so that's a little bit hard for some people. But yeah, I write the best when I'm emotional, and I don't always write when I'm emotional or I basically never stop writing.
[00:19:38] Life is highs and lows and everything in between.
[00:19:42] But as I promised you, I will always be real with you. And that means showing you this side of me as well. And that means explaining why, as much as I love doing what I'm doing, why it's hard sometimes.
[00:19:59] And I promise you I'm coming back. I promise you I will keep coming back. Deputy is my baby.
[00:20:06] I will not let myself down on that, because I have failed at many things in life, and I will not fail at this. It's kind of like my thing when I was raising my son, that I have failed at so many things in life, but I was going to do one thing right, and it was it perfect. No. As a parent, I made a lot of mistakes there's. Again, no such thing as a perfect parent, but I'm just me. So if this helps a little bit, I'm glad. If you think I'm crazy and you never want to listen to me again, so be it.
[00:20:43] But maybe you know somebody that this might relate to and maybe you know somebody that this might help. Feel free to share this with them. I hope this maybe helped you at least maybe get to know me a little bit better. Is this all there is to me? No, there's so much more.
[00:21:01] But I wanted to explain and just be me. I mean, I'm always just me. But you never get to see this side of me until now. And I'm going to try to do this a little bit more often because it's important. It's important to just be me. And if that means being vulnerable, so be it.
[00:21:25] But just know that I love every single one of you. I could not do what I do without you, my listeners, my sharers, my subscribers, and everything else in between.
[00:21:41] I don't do this just as a hobby. I mean, this is my job, this is my life. And obviously you need to have some income to survive, and I do that, but I don't ever sell your guys'information or anything like that.
[00:21:59] I rely on my subscribers and things like that and my listeners to get my numbers up that way and just make money with being my advertisers and such.
[00:22:13] But I will be adding a donate button to some of my shows and stuff from now on. If you ever feel like donating something that's completely up to you, do not feel obligated to do so at all. My programs, as far as I'm concerned, I will always do my best to try to keep them free. I am considering somewhat of a subscription type service, but no decisions have been made yet on that. But again, I hope that this has at least helped a little bit. I know it has helped me sometimes, just voicing this stuff, sometimes just getting it out verbally and just admitting it to myself. And here I am admitting it to myself in front of a microphone.
[00:23:00] The anxiety, even just with that, it can be a little bit much sometimes.
[00:23:05] But just know that I'm here, I am okay, that I'm broken, that I am me.
[00:23:18] Until later, my deputy family me. Bye.
